The Chronicle 2022

PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELLING

question the rules, then he is going to politely lie to your face as you are laying down the law and then quietly (or loudly, but out of earshot) get on with doing exactly what he wants. 5. THEY DON’T WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOU When I speak to boys in trouble their biggest concern is not what punishment they might receive but the fear of letting you down. It is precisely because they will let you down that they lie and cheat. Boys feel pressure to live up to the expectations you have of them. This means they may feel obliged to cheat if they feel they cannot achieve their (your) goals legitimately, or lie to preserve the image you have, or they feel you want, of them. Create the space for your sons to be themselves, to set their own goals, to argue with you and to make mistakes. Just like you, they need to be allowed to move past their failures. Like you, they are a work in progress so don’t expect them to be perfect or the finished article. This allows for open and helpful conversations where you can guide them from a position of truth. Most of all they just need your love and support. Judgement and criticism are likely to have the opposite effect to what is intended. Let those who are without sin cast the first stone… AS TRACKING Last year Michaelhouse partnered with an organisation called STEER to introduce Affective and Social (AS) Tracking for all boys. This is a pastoral assessment and tracking tool and involves an on-line assessment, completed by the boys, twice in each academic year. We continued with the programme this year and now have data tracking the course of two years for each boy in the school. This data enables us to identify students whose mental health is at risk and allows us to proactively intervene appropriately. Housemasters have continued to receive training on how to use the data to support boys of concern and next year we look to extend this training to Assistant Housemasters and the wider staff. COUNSELLING Counselling and Pastoral Care is an ongoing activity through the year at Michaelhouse. With 620 or more boys it is a demanding role, and I am very grateful to be assisted by Dr Rob Puke in this regard. Rob has been visiting the school as our Consulting Psychologist every Wednesday morning now for the last two years. He has really added value with his oversight and input. We continue to be grateful to Mr Bryce Dekker who saw close to 60 senior boys for career guidance over the course of 2022. Mr Herman Visagie steps out of his part-time counselling role as he takes up the role of Housemaster of Founders. I would like to thank him for his support over the last few years and wish him all the best in his new post. In his place, we welcome Jenni Clinton-Parker to the department who will focus on providing support to our junior boys.

Written by Mr Tim Jarvis, Senior Master Pastoral Care

HE DOES WHAT? FIVE THINGS ALL PARENTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TEENAGE BOYS

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have been working with high school boys now for as long as most of them have been alive. Throughout that time, I have identified some behaviours and traits that stand out. I guess some of these will apply to girls too but perhaps not all. Here are five that are common to all boys. Not your son obviously, but pretty much everyone else’s.

1. THEY HAVE NOT READ THE SET BOOK FOR ENGLISH

Whether it’s The Great Gatsby , Macbeth or To Kill a Mockingbird your son hasn’t read it. He may have studied the SparkNotes , watched a YouTube summary or viewed the entire movie version, but he will not have read the actual book. Sadly, it is quite possible to get through the English curriculum, and even get an A, without having to do something as onerous as opening a book. Why would you if you don’t need to? Of course, if your son is planning to read English Literature at university it might be different. For the rest, the suggestion that they should read the prescribed text from start to finish is a revolutionary idea. 2. THEY CHEAT Whether it’s classwork or homework your son will be quite happy to copy from other boys. He will also be prepared to let other boys copy from him. True North on the moral compass for boys seems to be “ can I get away with it? ” I don’t think too many teenage boys have come across Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development (and we know they won’t have read it) but it suggests that at best their morality will be based on the norms of the group. In a boy’s world being part of the brotherhood (which involves ‘sharing’ your work) supersedes the need for integrity in this area. Anyway, isn’t collaboration a 21st Century skill? 3. THEY WATCH PORN Young men have tried to look at pornography ever since it has been produced. The only change is that today it’s easier to access and in colour. I heard someone, in response to a query about when you should give your son a smart phone, answer, “As soon as you are comfortable with him watching porn.” This is not to say all boys are addicted to pornography (some are) but all boys have watched it. Some from as young as eight years of age, according to Justine Ang Fonté. They may have done a bunch of other stuff too, but that’s for another time. 4. THEY LIE Don’t believe me? Ask your son if he has read his English set work, copied someone else’s work or watched pornography. Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman expressed the sentiment, “If your teenager isn’t arguing with you then they are lying to you.” If you don’t give your son the space to challenge, disagree or

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